More wedding memories

[cazmanian_minx]

Mick's brother, Ian, who was best man, has kindly dug out a copy of his speech for the memory box :o)  If you don't know Mick's family, he has three older brothers - Glenn is a retired rector (Scottish headmaster) and is 17 years older than Mick, Ian is 10 years older and Martin is 7 years older, so he really is the baby of the family.


Ladies and gentlemen, younger persons and Martin. Welcome and thank you for coming to join Mike and Caroline today. I wouldn’t say that I am nervous but my legs are shaking that much that Michael Flatley has asked me to join River Dance.
Now, don’t worry this speech wont take too long.
Actually I read somewhere that the best man's speech shouldn’t last any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen ------ I give you Mike and Caroline.
For those who don’t know me, I am Ian one of Mike’s brothers and probably the best looking and most intelligent one. That, of course, is a matter of opinion but as it's me up here, it’s mine that counts.
When Mike asked me to be his best man I had to think long and hard about it. It is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles, an incredible honour but ------ would you really want to do it?
My first thought was how to start a speech for a couple who have tried this before. As my speech writing is not particularly spectacular I thought I would enlist the help of someone who made something of a living at it. Shakespeare.
If I get this wrong, Glenn will kill me or at very least swear at me in Latin.
This line is taken from Henry the Fifth act 3
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
The literal meaning is “Let us try again”. However, knowing Mike and Caroline as I do, I don’t think they will need to try too hard. If ever two people were meant to be together, it’s these two.
Mike is a lucky guy and I think you will all agree with me that Caroline is looking stunning today. Mr Groom the required comment is “here here”. I know she has spent many hours pounding the roads and tracks trying ( successfully ) to achieve the weight and dress size she wanted. More importantly she has also gained the Kylie bum she was after. She told me that, honest. Mike has put in a lot of effort to get into shape too. Oh come on, round is a shape.

Now comes the bit Mike has been dreading.
His life has come full circle. He was born and dragged up in the far North, he left for excitement and adventure and now he has returned to the far North.
I will take you on a short journey through his life and if you weren’t worried before Mike you'd better be now.
He arrived a wee bit after the rest of us. In fact he was a whole childhood behind Glenn. He was our baby brother and if Mum’s stories are even half right he was a handful from the off.
He has always liked wandering and this first became apparent when he was about 4 years old. One afternoon no one could find him and Mum was getting worried. Everyone was out looking for him but there was no sign. Eventually Martin found him, under a caravan in a blow up canoe with a little girl from down the road. He was covered in axle grease and grime and totally unaware of the mayhem he had created.
Sometimes though it wasn’t where he went to but rather what he went into. Picture the scene, Mum and Dad’s 25th wedding anniversary, big party round our house, all their friends enjoying a great time. No sign of Mike. Suddenly this figure waddles down the road with a walk that is familiar to most children at some point in their childhood. He was covered from head to toe in what is best described as farmyard residue. The smell was awful.
He had apparently tried to walk over the slurry pit at the farm down the road. The crust couldn’t hold the weight of an 8 year old and he went under. He came through the house and into the garden. Dad saw him and the next thing we heard was “oh bloody hell Irene, get the hose pipe”. Dad then hosed him down on the lawn. We had really nice grass that year.
It was his interest in surfing that gave rise to his most infamous wandering. He and the son of the then Dounreay Director decided to ignore one of the best cold water surfing venues on the world circuit at Thurso East and decided that Cornwall was where it was all happening. So aged about 15/16 they headed off without any transport and very little money. They actually hitch hiked all the way to Cornwall with their surf boards. You can ask him all about it afterwards. History hasn’t recorded what Dad said but I would hazard a guess that it stared with “Oh bloody hell Irene”.
When he left school Mike started an apprenticeship at Dounreay. All went well for a while but the wanderlust was stirring once again. This wasn’t helped by the fact that both Martin and I had joined the Royal Navy and while home on leave we would regale him with stories of our travels around the world visiting exotic places, meeting interesting people and catching embarrassing diseases. And getting paid to do it.

Eventually, he too joined up and before long he was off on the high seas living the dream. He started as we all did on surface ships but it was submarines that he wanted to be on. Now both Martin and Mike will tell you that they wanted to be submariners because of the unique camaraderie and bond that all sun dodgers say they have. Nothing to do with the fact that they got £25 a day extra then. Did you know that submariners are known as oceanic haemorrhoids, they lurk around the bottom and, for shipping, are a pain in the bum.
After 16 years of enjoying himself he decided it was time for a change and wandered off to begin a new career on the railways.
He started off as a maintenance engineer but with a mixture of good fortune, being in the right place at the right time and his unparalleled ability to use bovine excrement he soon made his way up the corporate ladder to a good position in the company. It was during this time that I first met Caroline.
She was everything he wasn’t, good looking, good with finance and intelligent. Although I did have to call this into question when she told me how much she loved him.
The one thing Caroline possesses in abundance (thankfully) is patience and understanding. She showed this on the numerous occasions when I stayed with them in London. Choosing one, I recall the time Mike and I went to the Army Navy rugby match at Twickers. Caroline waved us off and released us into the community. We headed off to the ground, stopping for refreshments on the way, as you do. After an afternoon of bumping into old mates and drinking, having some friendly banter with army types and drinking and oh yes watching a rugby match and drinking we headed home. The plan was that we would meet Caroline in a Tapas bar for a meal. However, she was running a little late so she said that we should order the food and she would join us in a wee while. We couldn’t decide what she might like to eat so we had another beer and thought about it. When she arrived she was greeted by two grinning, ring bolted idiots and a table absolutely covered in various dishes. However, by now we were so full of beer that we could hardly eat any of it. She just smiled nicely at us like you would at two kittens that had just ripped apart a pillow and were sitting covered in feathers.
The more observant of you may have noticed that Mike has itchy feet!!!!!!!!!! Well this time Caroline got them as well. Mind you if you knew Croydon it would help explain why they decided to move. They found a lovely wee place on tinternet and with indecent speed Mike flew up to see it, he like it so much he put in a offer ( obviously with Caroline’s seal of approval), I know it's Mike but even he isn’t that daft, and by time he got to Inverness it had been accepted. Soon they had moved up to the Far North. Mike had come full circle.
He got a job at Dounreay, decommissioning what Dad spent most of his life building and Caroline set about increasing the fortunes of the post office. They have now settled into their new home and, with considerable help from Rory and Elizabeth, are slowly learning what crofting is all about.

Mike, I would just like to say how proud we all are of you, especially Mum. Your road has not always been a smooth one, actually more like the Himalayas sometimes, but you have come through everything. You have a gorgeous wife, a good job, a super home, a bit of land, two dogs, a horse and, of course, a big car. Your life truly has come full circle.
Dad always used to say “bloody hell what’s the bugger done now”. I know he is watching you today and I can tell him” finally the bugger’s done good”

I would now like to thank a few people.
Yvonne and Pierre for looking out for Mum and Mum for looking out for Yvonne and Pierre.
Mike for giving me the great honour of being his best man.
And most importantly Caroline for making my baby brother so very happy.

It gives me great pleasure in asking you to stand to toast the bride and groom.
Ladies and gentlemen I give you ------------ Mike and Caroline.

Comments

[myrhiann.livejournal.com]

That was a great speech. It made me chuckle.